Binge Eating

Okay, so I always thought that binge eating was something obese people did only. Maybe that's what you think too? Or maybe you realize that binge eating is actually something lots of people do. What I really didn't know is that extremely healthy people, who are incredibly weight conscience, who work out hard, who train hard actually suffer from the mental anguish of binge eating. Who knew? Bodybuilders!!! They are so in tune with their physical being, they track all their calories, they work out hard and yet, here they struggle with the same issues I see on 3FC all the time. The similarities are amazing. Maybe it's possible that we can't beat this, that these cravings are normal not abnormal and that the less often we do them, the better off we are.

I always thought I had a disorder - something wrong with me specifically. Something I shared with a portion of the other 3FC people I've gotten to know. Mainly people who are in the same position as me, who need to lose upwards of 100Lbs.

Maybe this is not big news to you. But it IS to me. It makes me realize that not only am I not the only one (I knew that from meeting other obese people), but that is a problem for a HUGE spectrum of people - the obese, bodybuilders, "normal people" who just seem to get a handle of it before they gain too much, bulimics etc.

So you are probably wondering why I surf the bodybuilding sites. Currently I have no interest in bodybuilding, however --a lady at my gym just placed Nationally and so I was looking at her photos, which led me to a site which talked about training for bodybuilding and then eating. It's very inspiring to know there are people out there passionate about their bodies.

Today I feel energized

I can't even begin to explain the changes that are happening in my body. I may not be that much lighter (ie. pounds) as I could be, but boy is my energy HIGH. I hit the gym friday and did a whooping 2.5 hours of cardio and not the "light" kind either. I was working on the treadmill and then the spin bike. It felt great. I also had a small chat with the owner. He has twins and we sorta talked a bit about multiples etc. and what it's like, but I had to cut it short to go pick up my kids from preschool.

So needless to say I could barely walk up the stairs in the evening on friday and Saturday was no better. While I was grumpy (doing housework and cleaning, and laundry) I didn't hit the gym because it was clear I was sore beyond belief.

Today I can't count how many times I've run up and down the stairs. I did some serious gardening (more like shoveling dirt) which was a whole other workout. I count it as exercise cause I was sweating and it was hot outside. I decided to stay in the out-of-doors and get sunshine and spend time with my kids over the gym. I took them for a walk this morning too. It was a leisure pace (hey- they are only 4 years old) but it felt good after being cooped up in the house the day before.

Going to the gym has enabled my body to do things it wasn't doing before. Before, I would just make excuses and not do the stairs. I would avoid our huge washer and dryer downstairs because it's two flights to the upstairs bedrooms. I was just "lazy". But in reality it's not laziness, it's an inability to actually do the work. Now I just do it, and it feels great.

I'm hoping for a great thanksgiving day tomorrow with the family, hopefully a nice workout at home probably, unless the gym is open and a week with no health issues (ie. getting sick, the flu etc.)....I just want to feel good and get my workouts in.

Also, this week I am going to work on my food issues. I need to start keeping track and stop the evening snacking.

I feel great

Okay, so today I am feeling great. Really great. Just came home from a killer workout. Nothing feels good like being healthy (ie. not sick) and feeling powerful. And I do feel powerful.

So I got some bad news before the weekend. Apparently, I am not eligible for health insurance. I have several issues around this that PISS me off to no end, but the biggie is that they probably denied me based on my BMI. So for a day or so I was MAD. Now I am just more determined and still slightly pissed off. There's so much to say about this, but really, my arms are shaking from the workout I just came home from, so this is not easy for me to type out. And some of it is just a tad personal. Okay I will share one feeling I have about the BMI rejection possibility. "they" as in the insurance people don't understand what it's like to be force-fed 5500 calories a day to pile upwards of 95lbs. to carry triplets to term. Only to be on bed-rest for most of the pregnancy, to loose all muscle mass and then go into 2 F*ING years of massive sleep deprivation (to the point where you don't even remember when your kids learned to walk, or when you have complete and utter physical and emotional meltdowns because you are hallucinating because you are living on LESS THAN 3 hours of sleep a day --(these are non-consecutive hours which if you think about it is ridiculous) until finally your kids sleep through the night and then to endure two more years of toddlerhood which is a 630am-730pm job when they are all healthy (which is only 5% of the time-and then you are a night nurse too) and then when they turn 4 years old you finally have 4 seconds to yourself (only because you are paying $330/month for preschool, which you can't afford) to even COMTEMPLATE having any moment to yourself. Oh and lets-not-forget that I WAS pretty-much FORCED TO GIVE UP MY GREAT PAYING-FULL BENEFITS JOB WHICH I LOVED because daycare would have cost me 1.5 times my salary. Which is utterly absurd.

Oh don't worry. I really, really love my kids. I adore every single moment I have ever shared with them. I do not regret a single moment of my time with them.

But at 34, I never *dreamed* i would be ineligible for health care coverage. It's such a huge slap in the face. I get that they have a job too, that they don't give a rat's ass what my situation is. Really, and basically, it's like all things. It comes down to money.

Okay, rant is over.

There's so much more to say though. Thank god I have been taking out my anger at the gym.

Okay, back to I feel great. Because I do. I feel invicible. In fact, I almost feel sexy. That is huge. I mean my weight is not incredibly lower. I'm just eating better, I don't feel bloated, I feel strong, I have more energy and for the most part, happy. Content. Relaxed.

I am a machine

At the gym that is!!!! Okay, so I feel great. I'm sore but I am loving the gym. Today I totally got the "runners high". I played a little game with myself which involves me spinning on a bike leaning over my arms and staying there until 1bead of sweat finally comes down. That's with the tension on wayyyyyy high. God I LOVE it. Please, I need the gym. It's super obvious.

Eating wise I am still eating stuff that is detrimental to weight loss. I need to combine my love of exercise with eating right, or else lots of that time is wasted. It's not ALL wasted. I get that. I am getting stronger, faster, more fit, even though I am not losing pounds quickly.

I need to hyper focus on those calories. I need to get back on fitday and really, really track what I am eating.

Nightime Snacking

It's no surprise to me that I have been sick so many times since starting this journey. I've done this before and I get sick right away. And then I fall off the wagon. This time I am digging my nails into the wagon trying to hold on for dear life.

Since starting just a mere three weeks ago I've had:

• strep throat
• a cold
• a major stomach virus (yes, a few days ago!)
• and my asthma is getting worse (not better)

And since starting this journey I have

• consistently gone to the gym even when I've been feeling not-so-great (as in sniffly, nauseous, light headed, with a pounding headache, with a caffeine withdrawal headache...) I am proud that I am still sticking to my plan and getting it done at the gym.

I am not proud of the fact that I have been slipping in the food department. I seem to be snacking more at night, and it's "okay" in my mind, or justified. It's NOT! I think it started with wanted soup with crackers when I was sick, which is comfort food and moved to - you can eat one cookie, to eating a whole bowl of popcorn, to eating (my favorite) two tortillas fried with chocolate chips and coated in sugar - which I ate tonight. Which is so wrong. Especially while watching the biggest loser. DOH! I totally ate the calories I know I burned at the gym this AM. I was there for 2 full hours, busting my chops, for what? It seems like when I workout in the morning I feel great, and lunch -no chance I would cheat, I've worked so hard, but by evening, it's like I forgot how hard I worked and the motivation is gone. I think I might actually need to workout at night. Just so I don't snack. That just doesn't sound reasonable. I can't possibly workout in the morning and in the evening. But maybe that's what I've got to do to keep my hands out of the pantry.

Sluggin' through it

Hey everyone, I changed my page to a more customized look. I love it! Anyhow, I've been getting to the gym. I missed Wed night (too sick) and thursday morning (too sick) but I DID go Thursday night, and I got a decent workout in. Lots of upper body and abs. Then I went again this morning, and since I have quite a cold, mornings seem harder. I am getting ready for a garage sale, so I knew I wouldn't be able to go tonight, so I went this morning and it was a pretty 'lame' workout. But I needed it. More for routine and consistency than for actual calories burned. Food wise, I find it hard to stay away from comfort food when I'm sick - but I weigh in at 261lbs. which I feel good about.

I have lots to do tonight, so I'm off for now! I'm hoping to go to the gym tomorrow in the afternoon and Sunday too.

Mad

Okay, I'm mad. Life sucks. I feel a sore throat coming on. Boy am I ever pissed off. Didn't I JUST have strep throat. Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!