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It's no surprise to me that I have been sick so many times since starting this journey. I've done this before and I get sick right away. And then I fall off the wagon. This time I am digging my nails into the wagon trying to hold on for dear life.
Since starting just a mere three weeks ago I've had:
- strep throat
- a cold
- a major stomach virus (yes, a few days ago!)
- and my asthma is getting worse (not better)
And since starting this journey I have
- consistently gone to the gym even when I've been feeling not-so-great (as in sniffly, nauseous, light headed, with a pounding headache, with a caffeine withdrawal headache...) I am proud that I am still sticking to my plan and getting it done at the gym.
I am not proud of the fact that I have been slipping in the food department. I seem to be snacking more at night, and it's "okay" in my mind, or justified. It's NOT! I think it started with wanted soup with crackers when I was sick, which is comfort food and moved to - you can eat one cookie, to eating a whole bowl of popcorn, to eating (my favorite) two tortillas fried with chocolate chips and coated in sugar - which I ate tonight. Which is so wrong. Especially while watching the biggest loser. DOH! I totally ate the calories I know I burned at the gym this AM. I was there for 2 full hours, busting my chops, for what? It seems like when I workout in the morning I feel great, and lunch -no chance I would cheat, I've worked so hard, but by evening, it's like I forgot how hard I worked and the motivation is gone. I think I might actually need to workout at night. Just so I don't snack. That just doesn't sound reasonable. I can't possibly workout in the morning and in the evening. But maybe that's what I've got to do to keep my hands out of the pantry.
Hey everyone, I changed my page to a more customized look. I love it! Anyhow, I've been getting to the gym. I missed Wed night (too sick) and thursday morning (too sick) but I DID go Thursday night, and I got a decent workout in. Lots of upper body and abs. Then I went again this morning, and since I have quite a cold, mornings seem harder. I am getting ready for a garage sale, so I knew I wouldn't be able to go tonight, so I went this morning and it was a pretty 'lame' workout. But I needed it. More for routine and consistency than for actual calories burned. Food wise, I find it hard to stay away from comfort food when I'm sick - but I weigh in at 261lbs. which I feel good about.
I have lots to do tonight, so I'm off for now! I'm hoping to go to the gym tomorrow in the afternoon and Sunday too.
Okay, I'm mad. Life sucks. I feel a sore throat coming on. Boy am I ever pissed off. Didn't I JUST have strep throat. Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, so I've been to the gym yesterday and today. I'm going to take tomorrow "off"...I think I might still try for 20-30 min on the treadmill, but nothing strenuous.
As you probably know, I'm new to this gym. The lady who was there when I signed up was great - happy, knowledgeable, wanted to help. It was really nice. She showed me a little circuit just to get me started - shoulders, back, chest, tricep and bicep and some squats with a ball. It was just what I needed. I saw her a few more times. Then yesterday another lady was there, and she just didn't seem friendly. But that's okay, I'm not there to make friends, just workout, but I missed the other lady. Then today I walk in and it's a man. Now he barely says hi, stays at the desk on the computer the entire time (the other ladies cleaned, put up new towels to clean the equipment etc...) and then when I left, it was another grunt 'goodbye'. Maybe I'm just being sensitive, but it really pissed me off. I think too he is one of the owners and they are new management. I don't know, but not being personable is not going to make great business. Then of course, the other thing is maybe it's cause I'm FAT. You know, big enough to actually scare people. It's possible? Or maybe he's just an ass. I don't know. Or maybe he had a bad day...that's possible too. Either way, it's obvious while I was working out that I had nothing better to be thinking about. Doh!
Has anyone seen the show "the last 10 pounds bootcamp" (it's a canadian show). In it the personal trainer takes the woman to a screening of what she would look like in 2 yrs, or 5yrs. etc based on how she is currently eating/exercising before the program starts. It's supposed to be a mental picture of what could happen if.... and it's a graphic of her getting fatter and fatter based on her current picture. I've noticed something watching the show. Every time the picture gets bigger on EVERY SINGLE episode (and I've watched lots), they always say "oh my god, that's disgusting". Disgusting is always the word they use. I think that's how lots of people view fat people, or people who are obese (which I am). I officially hate that word.
Well, another great day at the gym. Loved it. I'd forgotten how much I love to exercise. I really do. I'm one of those strange people who love it. I LOVE IT. I don't know if it's just the freedom of going without having kids, or just having the time, or what, but I love to workout. I think I've always liked it. I was really active as a kid and teenager, and really my problems began in University. I was less active, stressed about grades, and just not getting involved physically. Then a long term relationship which I think created lots of food issues, including binging. I don't remember doing that when I was younger. Or if I did, I guess I just burned off the calories from being busy all the time. My eating has been good. It's been better. I can't quite give myself a gold star. Last night while looking at a used van to replace our dying van, DH and I stopped at a convenience store. At first I didn't want to go it. Then I did. I knew that if I did, I would eat something bad. I tried to get water. Then he got popcorn twists. Then I got junior mints. ARGH! Oh well. Could have been lots worse. I still got the water for the drive. Ate the mints and the twists. I should know better. I'm still down a pound today, and that feels good, but imagine what it could have been if I could have had better restraint!!!Today is today. I've eaten well, and not off plan. I plan on really trying hard to stick with it tonight. TEA<>
The only thing I don't love about working out, is that I'm hungrier. I just don't know how to curb that.
I went to the gym yesterday, and I feel great today. Alive and powerful. Last night, I was in so much lactic acid pain though. My legs were just burning. It was terrible. Managed to watch House and Biggest Loser last night which was great. I miss both those shows.
Today's plan is to get some cardio in at home. Tonight I have to go check out a used van with DH, so the gym is out (unless I am really motivated) so I want to get some exercise in during the day.
I'm eating chicken salad, drinking water, staying "on plan" and generally feel like I am in the groove again. It feels good to be making myself a priority. Okay, so the dishes and laundry are piled up, and that is making me feel miserable, but...(what is more important?)
I've signed up for 3FC's Biggest Loser Challenge (I'm on the blue team!). Last time I was on this challenge I did really well. I plan on going Biggest Loser style in my training and eating. I hope to kick some serious butt!!
Today I am hitting the gym or getting on that treadmill. Eating clean and no snacking, just tea tonight. It's going to be my reality-tv throat warmer. I can't say I'm feeling as wound up as I did last night, but I feel pretty good today.
Wish me luck!
I can't believe it's been 4 days since I've posted. I guess with strep throat you kinda let things slide. It's true I have been feeling icky, but gradually I've been getting better.
And what does getting better mean? I'm hungry now. After 5 days of eating nothing. And that means cravings. Remember I lost out on my last hooray of eating last weekend? I have been fighting it, and I've been fighting hard. Last night I had two cups of tea instead of grazing. Those darned M&M's I gave to my DH so I wouldn't be tempted. God knows if I visit his office in a week, I could bet money they would still be there. I hate him. (no I don't really....). Lots of things are calling my name. I'm still sitting around at night watching my beloved reality tv, and sucking back tea or water instead of hoards of snacks. There was so much to watch last night on tv. --so you think you can dance (canada) and Canadian Idol, and then America's got talent. It's hard because my TV habbit is going to have to be cut...when else am I going to find time to exercise? I'm already staying up till 11pm or 12am just to keep up.
So today I'm chowing down on tuna with Ryvita crackers, lots of water and some oranges. I went to tim hortons for a coffee, but instead of the Ice cap (large) with bagel and honey crueller, i ordered a large decaf with skim milk. Then I went to the grocery store and bought bananas, ate one. Then I went off and did the rest of my grocery shopping. It's all about options and making different choices. Tonight, we are having chicken salad. An old standby, but one that I love to eat.
I am going to nurture my body with food that is good for me! It's good to be back and in the saddle.
Cheers!
A huge thanks to mizfit for checking in with me and cheering me on (see her comment on the last post). Now for the bad news.
Someone else had big plans for me. During my weekend away camping, and my grande finale of eating bad food amongst the beach and campfires, smores and popcorn dancing in my head, I got ill. Very, very ill and very fast. On Saturday, one minute I was on the beach with my kids, the next minute I had the chills, a fever and a very sore throat. Luckily, grandpa came to visit us and camp for the night, so I took his vehicle home, hoping my oil of oregano and lots of sleep would help. After feeling like I was swallowing razor blades all night, and no sleep, I went to the clinic on Sunday as soon as they were open.
"Oh my" the Doctor said as he peered into my throat. "Looks like a bad case of strep or worse" as he fumbles his fingers towards the glands under my jaw. He takes a swab, informs me that I may have Infectious Mononucleosis or Epstein Barr sydrome. I looked in the mirror before I went to the office, I could easily see huge patches of white gunk on my very large tonsils.
Great. Just great. Right now I am hoping for strep. It doesn't last as long (with mono or epstein barr I could be looking a few months sentence of chronic fatigue - I'm sure that will go over well at the gym).
This morning (monday) I hightailed it to the Lab to get bloodwork done and get the swab analyzed. They won't know for a few days on the swab and at least 4-5 days on the blood work. In the meantime I am begging that the Biactin (antibiotic) is working it's magic. Because right now I NEED A MIRACLE.
On a positive note, my last hurray, my goodbye to junk eating was never fully realized since eating peanut M&M's don't feel good on gooey infected tonsils. I am going to take this as a sign that it wasn't meant to be, and to move forward eating as healthily as I can while this passes. I will not give in, despite the massive road block put in my way.
Imagine, I have waited 4 LONG YEARS & 4 MONTHS (not including a bed-rested pregnancy) to have some time to myself. And this monday, 9/8/2008 was going to be my big BREAK.
Can you tell I'm pissed off?
Ginger
PS - I'm off to drink ice water (it feels good on my throat) and lay like a vegetable. Just waiting. Gosh it feels like I am on bed-rest again. My god. Oh and if I don't feel better tomorrow, I'm off to see my regular GP.
Okay, so I have a plan, this weekend it's not happening, we are off camping again, and this is the last camping trip of the year. I plan on exercising with my kids, walking, and trying to keep portions at not-near binge eating levels. This week the kids had gradual entry preschool (they only went tues sept 2 for 1 1/2 hours), so next tues, thur, fri, they are GONE for 2 1/2 hours. I have a gym in mind, I've cleared the okay to pay for one month only, and DH has offered Mon and Wed nights as okay to hit the gym so that I don't have to go late at night after the kids go to bed (usually by then I am exhausted). So that leaves me with 2 full hours a day (m-f) to work out, with no excuses except the ones I know my brain will create. I just have to battle those and hit the gym. I am planning on a bit of Body for life, Biggest Loser and full on attitude I CAN DO THIS willpower and perseverance for my workouts and eating. I've signed up for the biggest loser here on 3fc too and like Ali, I am going to visualize winning it this time. Those are my goals. Yikes!
Gosh, is it ever hard to face the truth. Hard to come here and post. Hard to go to 3FC and post too. When I'm not on my game, I retreat into "eat mode". I feel like I am ON HOLD. I feel like I NEED this gym membership and the three committed days that preschool for my kids is giving me, in order to succeed. But that is such a MASK. Because the reality is, is that I could, if I really wanted to, stop shovelling chocolate chips in my mouth. I could also workout *in some way* even though I am not yet at the gym. Even though I do not have 3 committed mornings a week without my children. *yes* it will be easier once that time is carved out. But it is one excuse after-another. It sucks. I am determined to make a plan, set out realistic goals and stick to them.
In the meantime, discussing ensues with the DH. More talking, more bull*hit, more thinking, more planning. I am a pansy-*ss when it comes to taking a stand. I feel often paralyzed by the "no's" of my DH. His lack of commitment to himself, his business, & our future together. I am a huge part of this problem, as it's really easy to make this about him and not about me too. I need to take more charge, spend more time and learn more about what we spend, how we spend it.
But my weight is a big part of my sit-around attitude. I wonder how much my kids will remember me sitting around on my computer and doing nothing. Lyn wrote a post about this a few days ago, and it struck a cord with me. What's so funny, is that I think because I don't sit around and watch TV in front of my kids, that I am sheltering them - because those mom's are "bad" - you know the kind, watching Oprah and soap operas etc. But the truth is, so is surfing the web. Either way, my kids might end up thinking surfing the web is more important than they are. DH mentioned again to me tonight - he said, stop living in the past, and checking email that's not there. He is so true, it's not funny. I wish we could tape our chit-chat and get an honest professional opinion about how dysfunctional we are.
Ugh. rant over. Tomorrow is another day. I wish I could channel this pent up frustration into running or working out, but it's 11pm, and with my mind running like this, tomorrow's going to be another sleep-deprived day.
