Saturday, October 18, 2008

Binge Eating

Okay, so I always thought that binge eating was something obese people did only. Maybe that's what you think too? Or maybe you realize that binge eating is actually something lots of people do. What I really didn't know is that extremely healthy people, who are incredibly weight conscience, who work out hard, who train hard actually suffer from the mental anguish of binge eating. Who knew? Bodybuilders!!! They are so in tune with their physical being, they track all their calories, they work out hard and yet, here they struggle with the same issues I see on 3FC all the time. The similarities are amazing. Maybe it's possible that we can't beat this, that these cravings are normal not abnormal and that the less often we do them, the better off we are.

I always thought I had a disorder - something wrong with me specifically. Something I shared with a portion of the other 3FC people I've gotten to know. Mainly people who are in the same position as me, who need to lose upwards of 100Lbs.

Maybe this is not big news to you. But it IS to me. It makes me realize that not only am I not the only one (I knew that from meeting other obese people), but that is a problem for a HUGE spectrum of people - the obese, bodybuilders, "normal people" who just seem to get a handle of it before they gain too much, bulimics etc.

So you are probably wondering why I surf the bodybuilding sites. Currently I have no interest in bodybuilding, however --a lady at my gym just placed Nationally and so I was looking at her photos, which led me to a site which talked about training for bodybuilding and then eating. It's very inspiring to know there are people out there passionate about their bodies.


Sunday, October 12, 2008

Today I feel energized

I can't even begin to explain the changes that are happening in my body. I may not be that much lighter (ie. pounds) as I could be, but boy is my energy HIGH. I hit the gym friday and did a whooping 2.5 hours of cardio and not the "light" kind either. I was working on the treadmill and then the spin bike. It felt great. I also had a small chat with the owner. He has twins and we sorta talked a bit about multiples etc. and what it's like, but I had to cut it short to go pick up my kids from preschool.

So needless to say I could barely walk up the stairs in the evening on friday and Saturday was no better. While I was grumpy (doing housework and cleaning, and laundry) I didn't hit the gym because it was clear I was sore beyond belief.

Today I can't count how many times I've run up and down the stairs. I did some serious gardening (more like shoveling dirt) which was a whole other workout. I count it as exercise cause I was sweating and it was hot outside. I decided to stay in the out-of-doors and get sunshine and spend time with my kids over the gym. I took them for a walk this morning too. It was a leisure pace (hey- they are only 4 years old) but it felt good after being cooped up in the house the day before.

Going to the gym has enabled my body to do things it wasn't doing before. Before, I would just make excuses and not do the stairs. I would avoid our huge washer and dryer downstairs because it's two flights to the upstairs bedrooms. I was just "lazy". But in reality it's not laziness, it's an inability to actually do the work. Now I just do it, and it feels great.

I'm hoping for a great thanksgiving day tomorrow with the family, hopefully a nice workout at home probably, unless the gym is open and a week with no health issues (ie. getting sick, the flu etc.)....I just want to feel good and get my workouts in.

Also, this week I am going to work on my food issues. I need to start keeping track and stop the evening snacking.


Monday, October 6, 2008

I feel great

Okay, so today I am feeling great. Really great. Just came home from a killer workout. Nothing feels good like being healthy (ie. not sick) and feeling powerful. And I do feel powerful.

So I got some bad news before the weekend. Apparently, I am not eligible for health insurance. I have several issues around this that PISS me off to no end, but the biggie is that they probably denied me based on my BMI. So for a day or so I was MAD. Now I am just more determined and still slightly pissed off. There's so much to say about this, but really, my arms are shaking from the workout I just came home from, so this is not easy for me to type out. And some of it is just a tad personal. Okay I will share one feeling I have about the BMI rejection possibility. "they" as in the insurance people don't understand what it's like to be force-fed 5500 calories a day to pile upwards of 95lbs. to carry triplets to term. Only to be on bed-rest for most of the pregnancy, to loose all muscle mass and then go into 2 F*ING years of massive sleep deprivation (to the point where you don't even remember when your kids learned to walk, or when you have complete and utter physical and emotional meltdowns because you are hallucinating because you are living on LESS THAN 3 hours of sleep a day --(these are non-consecutive hours which if you think about it is ridiculous) until finally your kids sleep through the night and then to endure two more years of toddlerhood which is a 630am-730pm job when they are all healthy (which is only 5% of the time-and then you are a night nurse too) and then when they turn 4 years old you finally have 4 seconds to yourself (only because you are paying $330/month for preschool, which you can't afford) to even COMTEMPLATE having any moment to yourself. Oh and lets-not-forget that I WAS pretty-much FORCED TO GIVE UP MY GREAT PAYING-FULL BENEFITS JOB WHICH I LOVED because daycare would have cost me 1.5 times my salary. Which is utterly absurd.

Oh don't worry. I really, really love my kids. I adore every single moment I have ever shared with them. I do not regret a single moment of my time with them.

But at 34, I never *dreamed* i would be ineligible for health care coverage. It's such a huge slap in the face. I get that they have a job too, that they don't give a rat's ass what my situation is. Really, and basically, it's like all things. It comes down to money.

Okay, rant is over.

There's so much more to say though. Thank god I have been taking out my anger at the gym.

Okay, back to I feel great. Because I do. I feel invicible. In fact, I almost feel sexy. That is huge. I mean my weight is not incredibly lower. I'm just eating better, I don't feel bloated, I feel strong, I have more energy and for the most part, happy. Content. Relaxed.

Friday, October 3, 2008

I am a machine

At the gym that is!!!! Okay, so I feel great. I'm sore but I am loving the gym. Today I totally got the "runners high". I played a little game with myself which involves me spinning on a bike leaning over my arms and staying there until 1bead of sweat finally comes down. That's with the tension on wayyyyyy high. God I LOVE it. Please, I need the gym. It's super obvious.

Eating wise I am still eating stuff that is detrimental to weight loss. I need to combine my love of exercise with eating right, or else lots of that time is wasted. It's not ALL wasted. I get that. I am getting stronger, faster, more fit, even though I am not losing pounds quickly.

I need to hyper focus on those calories. I need to get back on fitday and really, really track what I am eating.


Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Nightime Snacking

It's no surprise to me that I have been sick so many times since starting this journey. I've done this before and I get sick right away. And then I fall off the wagon. This time I am digging my nails into the wagon trying to hold on for dear life.

Since starting just a mere three weeks ago I've had:
  • strep throat
  • a cold
  • a major stomach virus (yes, a few days ago!)
  • and my asthma is getting worse (not better)

And since starting this journey I have

  • consistently gone to the gym even when I've been feeling not-so-great (as in sniffly, nauseous, light headed, with a pounding headache, with a caffeine withdrawal headache...) I am proud that I am still sticking to my plan and getting it done at the gym.
I am not proud of the fact that I have been slipping in the food department. I seem to be snacking more at night, and it's "okay" in my mind, or justified. It's NOT! I think it started with wanted soup with crackers when I was sick, which is comfort food and moved to - you can eat one cookie, to eating a whole bowl of popcorn, to eating (my favorite) two tortillas fried with chocolate chips and coated in sugar - which I ate tonight. Which is so wrong. Especially while watching the biggest loser. DOH! I totally ate the calories I know I burned at the gym this AM. I was there for 2 full hours, busting my chops, for what? It seems like when I workout in the morning I feel great, and lunch -no chance I would cheat, I've worked so hard, but by evening, it's like I forgot how hard I worked and the motivation is gone. I think I might actually need to workout at night. Just so I don't snack. That just doesn't sound reasonable. I can't possibly workout in the morning and in the evening. But maybe that's what I've got to do to keep my hands out of the pantry.



Friday, September 26, 2008

Sluggin' through it

Hey everyone, I changed my page to a more customized look. I love it! Anyhow, I've been getting to the gym. I missed Wed night (too sick) and thursday morning (too sick) but I DID go Thursday night, and I got a decent workout in. Lots of upper body and abs. Then I went again this morning, and since I have quite a cold, mornings seem harder. I am getting ready for a garage sale, so I knew I wouldn't be able to go tonight, so I went this morning and it was a pretty 'lame' workout. But I needed it. More for routine and consistency than for actual calories burned. Food wise, I find it hard to stay away from comfort food when I'm sick - but I weigh in at 261lbs. which I feel good about.

I have lots to do tonight, so I'm off for now! I'm hoping to go to the gym tomorrow in the afternoon and Sunday too.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Mad

Okay, I'm mad. Life sucks. I feel a sore throat coming on. Boy am I ever pissed off. Didn't I JUST have strep throat. Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

To the gym AGAIN !! WHOO

Okay, so I've been to the gym yesterday and today. I'm going to take tomorrow "off"...I think I might still try for 20-30 min on the treadmill, but nothing strenuous.

As you probably know, I'm new to this gym. The lady who was there when I signed up was great - happy, knowledgeable, wanted to help. It was really nice. She showed me a little circuit just to get me started - shoulders, back, chest, tricep and bicep and some squats with a ball. It was just what I needed. I saw her a few more times. Then yesterday another lady was there, and she just didn't seem friendly. But that's okay, I'm not there to make friends, just workout, but I missed the other lady. Then today I walk in and it's a man. Now he barely says hi, stays at the desk on the computer the entire time (the other ladies cleaned, put up new towels to clean the equipment etc...) and then when I left, it was another grunt 'goodbye'. Maybe I'm just being sensitive, but it really pissed me off. I think too he is one of the owners and they are new management. I don't know, but not being personable is not going to make great business. Then of course, the other thing is maybe it's cause I'm FAT. You know, big enough to actually scare people. It's possible? Or maybe he's just an ass. I don't know. Or maybe he had a bad day...that's possible too. Either way, it's obvious while I was working out that I had nothing better to be thinking about. Doh!

Has anyone seen the show "the last 10 pounds bootcamp" (it's a canadian show). In it the personal trainer takes the woman to a screening of what she would look like in 2 yrs, or 5yrs. etc based on how she is currently eating/exercising before the program starts. It's supposed to be a mental picture of what could happen if.... and it's a graphic of her getting fatter and fatter based on her current picture. I've noticed something watching the show. Every time the picture gets bigger on EVERY SINGLE episode (and I've watched lots), they always say "oh my god, that's disgusting". Disgusting is always the word they use. I think that's how lots of people view fat people, or people who are obese (which I am). I officially hate that word.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I love to exercise!

Well, another great day at the gym. Loved it. I'd forgotten how much I love to exercise. I really do. I'm one of those strange people who love it. I LOVE IT. I don't know if it's just the freedom of going without having kids, or just having the time, or what, but I love to workout. I think I've always liked it. I was really active as a kid and teenager, and really my problems began in University. I was less active, stressed about grades, and just not getting involved physically. Then a long term relationship which I think created lots of food issues, including binging. I don't remember doing that when I was younger. Or if I did, I guess I just burned off the calories from being busy all the time.

My eating has been good. It's been better. I can't quite give myself a gold star. Last night while looking at a used van to replace our dying van, DH and I stopped at a convenience store. At first I didn't want to go it. Then I did. I knew that if I did, I would eat something bad. I tried to get water. Then he got popcorn twists. Then I got junior mints. ARGH! Oh well. Could have been lots worse. I still got the water for the drive. Ate the mints and the twists. I should know better. I'm still down a pound today, and that feels good, but imagine what it could have been if I could have had better restraint!!!

Today is today. I've eaten well, and not off plan. I plan on really trying hard to stick with it tonight. TEA<>

The only thing I don't love about working out, is that I'm hungrier. I just don't know how to curb that.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

THE GYM!

I went to the gym yesterday, and I feel great today. Alive and powerful. Last night, I was in so much lactic acid pain though. My legs were just burning. It was terrible. Managed to watch House and Biggest Loser last night which was great. I miss both those shows.

Today's plan is to get some cardio in at home. Tonight I have to go check out a used van with DH, so the gym is out (unless I am really motivated) so I want to get some exercise in during the day.

I'm eating chicken salad, drinking water, staying "on plan" and generally feel like I am in the groove again. It feels good to be making myself a priority. Okay, so the dishes and laundry are piled up, and that is making me feel miserable, but...(what is more important?)


Monday, September 15, 2008

The Biggest Loser Challenge

I've signed up for 3FC's Biggest Loser Challenge (I'm on the blue team!). Last time I was on this challenge I did really well. I plan on going Biggest Loser style in my training and eating. I hope to kick some serious butt!!

Today I am hitting the gym or getting on that treadmill. Eating clean and no snacking, just tea tonight. It's going to be my reality-tv throat warmer. I can't say I'm feeling as wound up as I did last night, but I feel pretty good today.

Wish me luck!

Friday, September 12, 2008

I'm hungry now

I can't believe it's been 4 days since I've posted. I guess with strep throat you kinda let things slide. It's true I have been feeling icky, but gradually I've been getting better.

And what does getting better mean? I'm hungry now. After 5 days of eating nothing. And that means cravings. Remember I lost out on my last hooray of eating last weekend? I have been fighting it, and I've been fighting hard. Last night I had two cups of tea instead of grazing. Those darned M&M's I gave to my DH so I wouldn't be tempted. God knows if I visit his office in a week, I could bet money they would still be there. I hate him. (no I don't really....). Lots of things are calling my name. I'm still sitting around at night watching my beloved reality tv, and sucking back tea or water instead of hoards of snacks. There was so much to watch last night on tv. --so you think you can dance (canada) and Canadian Idol, and then America's got talent. It's hard because my TV habbit is going to have to be cut...when else am I going to find time to exercise? I'm already staying up till 11pm or 12am just to keep up.

So today I'm chowing down on tuna with Ryvita crackers, lots of water and some oranges. I went to tim hortons for a coffee, but instead of the Ice cap (large) with bagel and honey crueller, i ordered a large decaf with skim milk. Then I went to the grocery store and bought bananas, ate one. Then I went off and did the rest of my grocery shopping. It's all about options and making different choices. Tonight, we are having chicken salad. An old standby, but one that I love to eat.

I am going to nurture my body with food that is good for me! It's good to be back and in the saddle.

Cheers!

Monday, September 8, 2008

So much for "the plan"

A huge thanks to mizfit for checking in with me and cheering me on (see her comment on the last post). Now for the bad news.

Someone else had big plans for me. During my weekend away camping, and my grande finale of eating bad food amongst the beach and campfires, smores and popcorn dancing in my head, I got ill. Very, very ill and very fast. On Saturday, one minute I was on the beach with my kids, the next minute I had the chills, a fever and a very sore throat. Luckily, grandpa came to visit us and camp for the night, so I took his vehicle home, hoping my oil of oregano and lots of sleep would help. After feeling like I was swallowing razor blades all night, and no sleep, I went to the clinic on Sunday as soon as they were open.

"Oh my" the Doctor said as he peered into my throat. "Looks like a bad case of strep or worse" as he fumbles his fingers towards the glands under my jaw. He takes a swab, informs me that I may have Infectious Mononucleosis or Epstein Barr sydrome. I looked in the mirror before I went to the office, I could easily see huge patches of white gunk on my very large tonsils.

Great. Just great. Right now I am hoping for strep. It doesn't last as long (with mono or epstein barr I could be looking a few months sentence of chronic fatigue - I'm sure that will go over well at the gym).

This morning (monday) I hightailed it to the Lab to get bloodwork done and get the swab analyzed. They won't know for a few days on the swab and at least 4-5 days on the blood work. In the meantime I am begging that the Biactin (antibiotic) is working it's magic. Because right now I NEED A MIRACLE.

On a positive note, my last hurray, my goodbye to junk eating was never fully realized since eating peanut M&M's don't feel good on gooey infected tonsils. I am going to take this as a sign that it wasn't meant to be, and to move forward eating as healthily as I can while this passes. I will not give in, despite the massive road block put in my way.

Imagine, I have waited 4 LONG YEARS & 4 MONTHS (not including a bed-rested pregnancy) to have some time to myself. And this monday, 9/8/2008 was going to be my big BREAK.

Can you tell I'm pissed off?

Ginger

PS - I'm off to drink ice water (it feels good on my throat) and lay like a vegetable. Just waiting. Gosh it feels like I am on bed-rest again. My god. Oh and if I don't feel better tomorrow, I'm off to see my regular GP.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

"The Plan"

Okay, so I have a plan, this weekend it's not happening, we are off camping again, and this is the last camping trip of the year. I plan on exercising with my kids, walking, and trying to keep portions at not-near binge eating levels.

This week the kids had gradual entry preschool (they only went tues sept 2 for 1 1/2 hours), so next tues, thur, fri, they are GONE for 2 1/2 hours. I have a gym in mind, I've cleared the okay to pay for one month only, and DH has offered Mon and Wed nights as okay to hit the gym so that I don't have to go late at night after the kids go to bed (usually by then I am exhausted). So that leaves me with 2 full hours a day (m-f) to work out, with no excuses except the ones I know my brain will create. I just have to battle those and hit the gym.

I am planning on a bit of Body for life, Biggest Loser and full on attitude I CAN DO THIS willpower and perseverance for my workouts and eating. I've signed up for the biggest loser here on 3fc too and like Ali, I am going to visualize winning it this time. Those are my goals. Yikes!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

The truth

Gosh, is it ever hard to face the truth. Hard to come here and post. Hard to go to 3FC and post too. When I'm not on my game, I retreat into "eat mode". I feel like I am ON HOLD. I feel like I NEED this gym membership and the three committed days that preschool for my kids is giving me, in order to succeed. But that is such a MASK. Because the reality is, is that I could, if I really wanted to, stop shovelling chocolate chips in my mouth. I could also workout *in some way* even though I am not yet at the gym. Even though I do not have 3 committed mornings a week without my children. *yes* it will be easier once that time is carved out. But it is one excuse after-another. It sucks. I am determined to make a plan, set out realistic goals and stick to them.

In the meantime, discussing ensues with the DH. More talking, more bull*hit, more thinking, more planning. I am a pansy-*ss when it comes to taking a stand. I feel often paralyzed by the "no's" of my DH. His lack of commitment to himself, his business, & our future together. I am a huge part of this problem, as it's really easy to make this about him and not about me too. I need to take more charge, spend more time and learn more about what we spend, how we spend it.

But my weight is a big part of my sit-around attitude. I wonder how much my kids will remember me sitting around on my computer and doing nothing. Lyn wrote a post about this a few days ago, and it struck a cord with me. What's so funny, is that I think because I don't sit around and watch TV in front of my kids, that I am sheltering them - because those mom's are "bad" - you know the kind, watching Oprah and soap operas etc. But the truth is, so is surfing the web. Either way, my kids might end up thinking surfing the web is more important than they are. DH mentioned again to me tonight - he said, stop living in the past, and checking email that's not there. He is so true, it's not funny. I wish we could tape our chit-chat and get an honest professional opinion about how dysfunctional we are.

Ugh. rant over. Tomorrow is another day. I wish I could channel this pent up frustration into running or working out, but it's 11pm, and with my mind running like this, tomorrow's going to be another sleep-deprived day.



Friday, August 29, 2008

Not doing great

Okay, so yesterday's weigh in was not-good.

weigh in - 267 lbs.

It's friday, I'm stressed, I had a rough day with the kids and I'm feeling it. I'd like to go for a walk tomorrow and get rid of some tension. I'm not liking where I'm at. I'm frustrated with organization, time management, financial organization and stress and just overall a feeling of NOT - in - CONTROL. It's not just my weight. I have no plan, no course of action. I feel drowned in disorganization. I also feel unsupported by my DH in lots of things...his answer seems to be we'll talk later, let's talk tomorrow...let's do this (then not do it). Ugh. I feel like I am talking circles around him and while he listens, there's no action. And I feel like I can't take action without his support. He's a good listener...lots of I agree, and of course, but a NO ACTION type of guy. I'm a thinking, a planner, but I get bogged down by the action as well, since he's not taking any action, I feel like I can't and then I get even more down about it all. Sort of like -if he doesn't fold and put away the laundry, then I won't fold and put it away, then nobody does it and it doesn't get done.

Does anyone out there understand what the heck I'm rambling about??

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Dreading tomorrow

I'm dreading tomorrow. I haven't worked as hard as I would have liked, and while earlier in my week I was walking lots, eating veggies, etc...I've fallen off the last few days. DH and I went to see The Dark Knight (which I abhorred) and I couldn't decide between the popcorn, the m&m's, the coke, the big crunch sandwhich (we went there before I had a chance to get any dinner...so I had all of the above. Shame on me. ) It was piss-poor planning on my part, and a bit of a mental game of "I deserve it" since I haven't been out to a movie for ages. You know what I deserve? A huge derriere. And it's what I've got. It sucks.

I owe it to myself to treat myself better than with food, I feel better when I get on that treadmill and walk or jog and I feel better. So tomorrow, I weigh in, and I know it's not going to look good. Popcorn is full of sodium and fat...oh well. I will weigh in with you to prove that I am not looking away from this, that I am fighting this, and that I can't just pretend this blog does not exist.

I'm going to try to remain positive though: I still did go out for a walk with the kids this morning which makes me feel good. I didn't want to, I wasn't feeling well, but I did it. I dragged my derriere and did it.

See you tomorrow for the weigh-in results.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Gym Struggles

I have been drooling over a local gym's website for at least a week now. In just two short weeks, the kids will be going to preschool 3 mornings a week, and I will finally have time to myself.!!!

Well, I was so excited about the gym, and DH and I have talked about this before (ie. before the summer). Now the time has come and he says we don't have the money for a gym membership. He's right, we are struggling right now because I'm not working (I have been doing daycare for 3 years and finally stopped in May). And he just started working for himself and it's been slow going. Ugh! We fought bitterly last night. I"m at the point where my health is worth more to me than the cost of the membership. I know we are struggling and it's not good. We compromised, I will take the free week at the gym, then if I like it, sign up for one month (not 12, even though over the long haul it's cheaper), and see how it goes.


I'm not happy with the way I handled myself last night, I was so full of venom...years of struggling with three babies in total and sheer sleep deprivation that I just can't express to others how absolutely crazy that was, then handling 7 or 8 two/three/and four year olds for a few years with absolutely no time to myself. It's been 5 years since I left my easy 9-5 job when I got pregnant and was put on bedrest. And I just wanted to scream last night. I NEED THIS>>>>, but on the flipside, DH is right, and it's not his fault. We are in this together, and I don't want to add more to our debt. It's just tough.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Weigh-in

I'm not thrilled - I'm up. But I'm blaming TOM and the possibility that muscle weighs more than fat.

Last week: 263.8
this week: 264.4

I'm up .6 of a lb.

Still, I'm happy with the changes I've made so far and I plan on kicking it up a notch this week.

Today, I've already been out for a 1/2 hour walk. And later today I plan on hitting the treadmill for at least an hour. I've curbed most of my late night munchies. Last night I wrote that the kitchen was closed, but I did open it again for a big bowl of blueberries....just love them plain. It was a huge treat, with not a lot of damage like chips or popcorn.

I'm still anxious for the gym days, when the kids are in preschool...I'm counting down the days. Only a few short weeks, and I'm hoping to get down in weight by then...maybe another 7 lbs. or so. I would love to hit 250, but that's 15 lbs. and I'm not sure I can do it so soon.



Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Miffed

So lately I've been a bit miffed. I keep seeing 265 etc. in the morning when I weigh myself. It's really bothering me. Tomorrow is my official weigh in day, and I'm not sure if I will be lower than 263. Which is frustrating.

I've been trying hard and getting lots of exercise. Tonight I made popcorn for the kids and had some too...it's too hard to resist. But overall I am doing well and not binge eating. Today has also been my first day of rest. As in no cardio, no walks...I just haven't been feeling very well, a little tired and worn out. Later in the day today, I went for a lie-down and took an advil. A big thundering headache was on it's way, the advil helped, lying down helped and my DH's awesome (but quick) shoulder rubs really helped a lot.

It's 7:30, so I should be food free for the night. I am thirsty, so I'll quench that. Here's hoping for a decent weight in tomorrow!

Monday, August 18, 2008

Another Good Day

Here it is: another good day. Yesterday my eating was a bit "off" but certainly not in the realm of binge eating...but definitely overeating. A bit more of this, a little of that...and that added to major calories.

This morning the kids took me out for exercise - they biked, I walked, it felt good. But going with them does not equal the kind of workout I would get from my treadmill. So it was what I call bonus exercise.

So now I just finished 60 minutes of walking with a tad bit of jogging on the treadmill at about 3.0-3.5. Hubby fed the kids and I did it while he was feeding them dinner. I mis-planned my lunch and ended up eating late and did not want to feel obligated to again eat dinner right after such a late lunch. In the past I would force myself to eat again with the family for the sake of eating with the family even though I grazed myself full from 4-5pm. SILLY.

My back is better. No pain so far lately, just the usual aches. My foot pain too has disappeared today, but I am baby-ing it (just in case).

After this post, the kitchen is closed for the night (it's 7:17pm) and the only food I will allow is straight protein (ie. an egg, or some chicken). Nothing else, my tummy does not need it. I ate more than enough at 3:30 (for lunch and dinner combined) and I do not need more food. I don't know if I keep saying that because I want to tell you or because I am telling myself. Either way - I intend to stick with what I've written. Just because.

Okay, off to listen to the rest of Jillian Michaels KFI more stimulating talk radio show. That stuff just keeps me going.



Sunday, August 17, 2008

done!

Okay - 45 min on the treadmill down today at 3.0-3.5. I hope to do another 45 tonight.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Being a Participant

I went to an event today (same one as last year) - let's just say it's a family obligation thing and it made me very sad.

1) it reminded me that last year at this time I was roughly the same weight

2) it reminded me that last year I had pledged that I WOULD LOSE the weight and become "one of them" ie. a person who is athletic, motivated, etc.

3) it makes me sad that another year has gone by with tons of things I am still unable to do physically.

This event is big, lots of people, lots of fit healthy people, going out to exercise for a good cause. I want to be a part of something like that too. I want to get out there and be a PARTICIPANT, not just on the sidelines in my too tight black pants and tight shirt on a smokin' hot day, where none of my acceptable in public clothes are cool enough to be comfortable. I was so hot, so uncomfortable.

I want to participate in my own life. It's another reminder of why this weight needs to be lost for good.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Weigh In

Okay, here's the weigh in results:

Last week: 271 lbs
this week: 263.8 lbs.

whooooo hooooo ! Making that a loss of 7.2 lbs.!!!!

I'm excited and my hard work has paid off. I am thrilled to see the loss and I know most is the first week water weight, but I do feel less bloated in my stomach and overall I feel better.

Last night I went out for an evening walk after putting the kids to bed with a friend. We haven't done that in a long time and it felt really good. I hope we do more of it as it will help. My back is slowly getting better and I was able to vacuum today and a few other bits of tidying up which also feels good. The house in not "clean" but it's cleaner. I wasn't able to mop the floors, but oh-well.

I hope to go for another walk tonight if the kids don't wear me out today. I still have to plan dinner for them, but I am pretty sure I know what I am having. A salad, some veggies and some protein.

I am trying hard to "up-the-ante" with each day I get physically stronger. I want to walk more, start lifting some light weights and do my back and abs exercises.

Who's going to up the ante with me this week??

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Looking pregnant

So I've been feeling a bit less pouchy - less pregnant looking lately. I know most of the time I look pregnant, and after regaining all the weight that I lost (I was 250's back in March/April 2008) I definitely look pregnant. It sucks. Truthfully, I've actually pretended to be pregnant when I've been out in "the public" where nobody knows me, just to make me feel a little better about myself...but seriously, who does that? And also - who am I kidding, if I were pregnant, I'd still look like a obese pregnant mom and which is worse? I don't know who I thought I was kidding.

The fact that I have no core strength at all, topped off with a brutal pregnancy and shocking aftermath of excess skin and stretch marks, makes my once beloved stomach my worst enemy. It is now neck and neck in a tie race of ugliness with my thighs and butt. I'm painting a pretty ugly picture, but that's how I see it.

But I CAN CHANGE all of that. I can move more, I can eat less and I can find a way to get my body back.

So I am going to try and live in the middle ground - and *try* to get rid of my all or nothing mentality.


Sunday, August 10, 2008

Do you know your BMR?

Okay, so do you know your BMR - your Basal Metabolic rate? You can calculate yours here: http://www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/

My BMR is 1975. That's how many calories I burn if I just stayed in bed all day and did nothing. It's the number of calories I burn just by being me. Which is great, my BMR indicates to me that if eat only 1600 calories a day that I will lose weight without exercise. That's not to say that I won't exercise, but right now, with my bad back it's a good thing. So 3500 calories is equal to 1 lb. which means that it won't take long to lose 1 lb.

Already I have lost some weight - probably a fair bit of water weight, but nontheless, it feels good to see the scale goes down and I fell less bloated already. It's something that makes me happy.

Have I told you that I plan on doing a Biggest Loser style of losing weight? I plan to exercise my little buns off (okay, so they are a bit big right now), but as soon as I can, I am going to incorporate exercise into all aspects of my life. I have a plan for August which includes:
-get my back into a healthy space
-eat less overall
-drink teas after dinner and no snacking
-as soon as I am able in August - I am going to start incorporating exercise into my daily life

In September, everything is going to change - kids go to preschool, I will have more time for myself and I intend on taking advantage of it.
-going to the gym 4 X a week
-walking on the treadmill at home
-eat less, keep track of my calories
-exercise approximately 2 hours a day (it's a big goal, but even low intensity walking)
-use my rebounding trampoline while watching tv.

That's the plan!

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Bleeding Love

I'm sitting here by the computer singing Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis. It's about 2:11pm. DH is out with the kids taking them to the lake to fish. I wish I could be there, but my back is still very sore, and right now I have a heat pad on.

Truthfully, I've had two handfuls of chocolate chips. I know it's not exactly brain food. But enough of that, I am going to stir-fry some zucchini and onions for a snack. Dinner tonight is shepherd's pie and I am going to aim for a small portion and focus on not eating after dinner and drinking tea if necessary. I have to keep reminding myself that I have to take baby-steps and move slowly. I need this back to heal so that I can moving. I can't wait to be more mobile so that I can put this obesity behind me.

I looked up my BMI - it's 43.4 which according to the Canadian Heart and Stroke Foundation is considered Obese Class III - which is the highest class and basically indicates that I am at the highest risk of developing health problems. Which is scary. Wow.

So what's a girl to do...post on 3fc and keep track of what she is eating and get some exercise.
Today I am going to focus again on my abs, drinking water, trying not to overeat and nothing past dinner.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Pain

I'm in a lot of pain. I woke up this morning and rolled out of bed and was so stiff and sore in my back I literally had to roll out of the bed. It aches to stand, sit, walk, move. This just sucks. My DH got out of bed early with the kids and took them to McD for breakfast (I had no idea)--I just thought he was letting me sleep in because my back was so sore. Unfortunately, he went out and got me a TH ice cap and a bagel with eggs/bacon. I don't know what to say. The real me says eat it, the new me wants to throw it away. Who will prevail? I was determined that I would start eating properly first thing in the morning and this totally threw me off.

The real me ate it. The new me is saying, make the next meal count. So here I am gobbling up the food, sore back, typing at the computer. I am going to try ice/heat, rest and pray this goes away soon. In the meantime, I am thinking of what to make for lunch and dinner that is healthy so that I can get on track.

On a positive note, last night while watching So you think you can dance and Last comic standing, I did lots of ab flexing, and mini-sit-ups (lifting my head) while on the lazyboy. I know, I know, not super athletic or hard work, but imperative to do something as opposed to doing nothing. I'm hoping it does something to alleviate the back pain. The sooner the pain is gone, the sooner I can get on that treadmill and start doing some major weights and ab work. I can't wait. I know that sound funny, but I am ready to let go of the old me.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

It's Hard Being Fat

I have done this before. I have lost and regained 20-30 lbs. I am ashamed to admit that I am severely obese. I am 5'6 and 271 lbs. (again!). I was about 250 just a few short months ago and well on my way to being lighter. Everything was easier -getting up the stairs, walking around the neighborhood, chasing after my kids. Now, it's harder again. I'm more tired. I need more sleep. I eat more. I hurt more. Several excuses come to mind as to why I failed again - a family vacation where I felt I had no control over the food offered to me, a bad back ache -again..., complacency and an abandonment of what I knew was working weight wise. Why did I let it go?

I am determined to change my path in life, determined to do right by my family and children who are invariably suffering because I choose to live in pain. I want to be capable and strong. I want to feel alive again in a way that only losing weight will help me with. I want to dance and jump and feel powerful in my skin.

My next post will be a photo of me. Please be gentle with me. I have a plan, and I know it works if I stick with it. I am determined to be strong and to lose approximately 40 lbs. by my birthday which is December 19. I want to lose 90lbs by the time of my boys 5th birthday.

My back is hurting again. It's another wake-up call to start now, and regain my strength. I am focusing right now on abdominal work, upper body strength and eating 100% on plan until my back is better and I can walk on the treadmill.