Not doing great

Okay, so yesterday's weigh in was not-good.

weigh in - 267 lbs.

It's friday, I'm stressed, I had a rough day with the kids and I'm feeling it. I'd like to go for a walk tomorrow and get rid of some tension. I'm not liking where I'm at. I'm frustrated with organization, time management, financial organization and stress and just overall a feeling of NOT - in - CONTROL. It's not just my weight. I have no plan, no course of action. I feel drowned in disorganization. I also feel unsupported by my DH in lots of things...his answer seems to be we'll talk later, let's talk tomorrow...let's do this (then not do it). Ugh. I feel like I am talking circles around him and while he listens, there's no action. And I feel like I can't take action without his support. He's a good listener...lots of I agree, and of course, but a NO ACTION type of guy. I'm a thinking, a planner, but I get bogged down by the action as well, since he's not taking any action, I feel like I can't and then I get even more down about it all. Sort of like -if he doesn't fold and put away the laundry, then I won't fold and put it away, then nobody does it and it doesn't get done.

Does anyone out there understand what the heck I'm rambling about??

Dreading tomorrow

I'm dreading tomorrow. I haven't worked as hard as I would have liked, and while earlier in my week I was walking lots, eating veggies, etc...I've fallen off the last few days. DH and I went to see The Dark Knight (which I abhorred) and I couldn't decide between the popcorn, the m&m's, the coke, the big crunch sandwhich (we went there before I had a chance to get any dinner...so I had all of the above. Shame on me. ) It was piss-poor planning on my part, and a bit of a mental game of "I deserve it" since I haven't been out to a movie for ages. You know what I deserve? A huge derriere. And it's what I've got. It sucks.

I owe it to myself to treat myself better than with food, I feel better when I get on that treadmill and walk or jog and I feel better. So tomorrow, I weigh in, and I know it's not going to look good. Popcorn is full of sodium and fat...oh well. I will weigh in with you to prove that I am not looking away from this, that I am fighting this, and that I can't just pretend this blog does not exist.

I'm going to try to remain positive though: I still did go out for a walk with the kids this morning which makes me feel good. I didn't want to, I wasn't feeling well, but I did it. I dragged my derriere and did it.

See you tomorrow for the weigh-in results.

Gym Struggles

I have been drooling over a local gym's website for at least a week now. In just two short weeks, the kids will be going to preschool 3 mornings a week, and I will finally have time to myself.!!!

Well, I was so excited about the gym, and DH and I have talked about this before (ie. before the summer). Now the time has come and he says we don't have the money for a gym membership. He's right, we are struggling right now because I'm not working (I have been doing daycare for 3 years and finally stopped in May). And he just started working for himself and it's been slow going. Ugh! We fought bitterly last night. I"m at the point where my health is worth more to me than the cost of the membership. I know we are struggling and it's not good. We compromised, I will take the free week at the gym, then if I like it, sign up for one month (not 12, even though over the long haul it's cheaper), and see how it goes.

I'm not happy with the way I handled myself last night, I was so full of venom...years of struggling with three babies in total and sheer sleep deprivation that I just can't express to others how absolutely crazy that was, then handling 7 or 8 two/three/and four year olds for a few years with absolutely no time to myself. It's been 5 years since I left my easy 9-5 job when I got pregnant and was put on bedrest. And I just wanted to scream last night. I NEED THIS>>>>, but on the flipside, DH is right, and it's not his fault. We are in this together, and I don't want to add more to our debt. It's just tough.

Weigh-in

I'm not thrilled - I'm up. But I'm blaming TOM and the possibility that muscle weighs more than fat.

Last week: 263.8
this week: 264.4

I'm up .6 of a lb.

Still, I'm happy with the changes I've made so far and I plan on kicking it up a notch this week.

Today, I've already been out for a 1/2 hour walk. And later today I plan on hitting the treadmill for at least an hour. I've curbed most of my late night munchies. Last night I wrote that the kitchen was closed, but I did open it again for a big bowl of blueberries....just love them plain. It was a huge treat, with not a lot of damage like chips or popcorn.

I'm still anxious for the gym days, when the kids are in preschool...I'm counting down the days. Only a few short weeks, and I'm hoping to get down in weight by then...maybe another 7 lbs. or so. I would love to hit 250, but that's 15 lbs. and I'm not sure I can do it so soon.

Miffed

So lately I've been a bit miffed. I keep seeing 265 etc. in the morning when I weigh myself. It's really bothering me. Tomorrow is my official weigh in day, and I'm not sure if I will be lower than 263. Which is frustrating.

I've been trying hard and getting lots of exercise. Tonight I made popcorn for the kids and had some too...it's too hard to resist. But overall I am doing well and not binge eating. Today has also been my first day of rest. As in no cardio, no walks...I just haven't been feeling very well, a little tired and worn out. Later in the day today, I went for a lie-down and took an advil. A big thundering headache was on it's way, the advil helped, lying down helped and my DH's awesome (but quick) shoulder rubs really helped a lot.

It's 7:30, so I should be food free for the night. I am thirsty, so I'll quench that. Here's hoping for a decent weight in tomorrow!

Another Good Day

Here it is: another good day. Yesterday my eating was a bit "off" but certainly not in the realm of binge eating...but definitely overeating. A bit more of this, a little of that...and that added to major calories.

This morning the kids took me out for exercise - they biked, I walked, it felt good. But going with them does not equal the kind of workout I would get from my treadmill. So it was what I call bonus exercise.

So now I just finished 60 minutes of walking with a tad bit of jogging on the treadmill at about 3.0-3.5. Hubby fed the kids and I did it while he was feeding them dinner. I mis-planned my lunch and ended up eating late and did not want to feel obligated to again eat dinner right after such a late lunch. In the past I would force myself to eat again with the family for the sake of eating with the family even though I grazed myself full from 4-5pm. SILLY.

My back is better. No pain so far lately, just the usual aches. My foot pain too has disappeared today, but I am baby-ing it (just in case).

After this post, the kitchen is closed for the night (it's 7:17pm) and the only food I will allow is straight protein (ie. an egg, or some chicken). Nothing else, my tummy does not need it. I ate more than enough at 3:30 (for lunch and dinner combined) and I do not need more food. I don't know if I keep saying that because I want to tell you or because I am telling myself. Either way - I intend to stick with what I've written. Just because.

Okay, off to listen to the rest of Jillian Michaels KFI more stimulating talk radio show. That stuff just keeps me going.

done!

Okay - 45 min on the treadmill down today at 3.0-3.5. I hope to do another 45 tonight.

Being a Participant

I went to an event today (same one as last year) - let's just say it's a family obligation thing and it made me very sad.

1) it reminded me that last year at this time I was roughly the same weight

2) it reminded me that last year I had pledged that I WOULD LOSE the weight and become "one of them" ie. a person who is athletic, motivated, etc.

3) it makes me sad that another year has gone by with tons of things I am still unable to do physically.

This event is big, lots of people, lots of fit healthy people, going out to exercise for a good cause. I want to be a part of something like that too. I want to get out there and be a PARTICIPANT, not just on the sidelines in my too tight black pants and tight shirt on a smokin' hot day, where none of my acceptable in public clothes are cool enough to be comfortable. I was so hot, so uncomfortable.

I want to participate in my own life. It's another reminder of why this weight needs to be lost for good.

Weigh In

Okay, here's the weigh in results:

Last week: 271 lbs
this week: 263.8 lbs.

whooooo hooooo ! Making that a loss of 7.2 lbs.!!!!

I'm excited and my hard work has paid off. I am thrilled to see the loss and I know most is the first week water weight, but I do feel less bloated in my stomach and overall I feel better.

Last night I went out for an evening walk after putting the kids to bed with a friend. We haven't done that in a long time and it felt really good. I hope we do more of it as it will help. My back is slowly getting better and I was able to vacuum today and a few other bits of tidying up which also feels good. The house in not "clean" but it's cleaner. I wasn't able to mop the floors, but oh-well.

I hope to go for another walk tonight if the kids don't wear me out today. I still have to plan dinner for them, but I am pretty sure I know what I am having. A salad, some veggies and some protein.

I am trying hard to "up-the-ante" with each day I get physically stronger. I want to walk more, start lifting some light weights and do my back and abs exercises.

Who's going to up the ante with me this week??

Looking pregnant

So I've been feeling a bit less pouchy - less pregnant looking lately. I know most of the time I look pregnant, and after regaining all the weight that I lost (I was 250's back in March/April 2008) I definitely look pregnant. It sucks. Truthfully, I've actually pretended to be pregnant when I've been out in "the public" where nobody knows me, just to make me feel a little better about myself...but seriously, who does that? And also - who am I kidding, if I were pregnant, I'd still look like a obese pregnant mom and which is worse? I don't know who I thought I was kidding.

The fact that I have no core strength at all, topped off with a brutal pregnancy and shocking aftermath of excess skin and stretch marks, makes my once beloved stomach my worst enemy. It is now neck and neck in a tie race of ugliness with my thighs and butt. I'm painting a pretty ugly picture, but that's how I see it.

But I CAN CHANGE all of that. I can move more, I can eat less and I can find a way to get my body back.

So I am going to try and live in the middle ground - and *try* to get rid of my all or nothing mentality.

Do you know your BMR?

Okay, so do you know your BMR - your Basal Metabolic rate? You can calculate yours here: http://www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/

My BMR is 1975. That's how many calories I burn if I just stayed in bed all day and did nothing. It's the number of calories I burn just by being me. Which is great, my BMR indicates to me that if eat only 1600 calories a day that I will lose weight without exercise. That's not to say that I won't exercise, but right now, with my bad back it's a good thing. So 3500 calories is equal to 1 lb. which means that it won't take long to lose 1 lb.

Already I have lost some weight - probably a fair bit of water weight, but nontheless, it feels good to see the scale goes down and I fell less bloated already. It's something that makes me happy.

Have I told you that I plan on doing a Biggest Loser style of losing weight? I plan to exercise my little buns off (okay, so they are a bit big right now), but as soon as I can, I am going to incorporate exercise into all aspects of my life. I have a plan for August which includes:
-get my back into a healthy space
-eat less overall
-drink teas after dinner and no snacking
-as soon as I am able in August - I am going to start incorporating exercise into my daily life

In September, everything is going to change - kids go to preschool, I will have more time for myself and I intend on taking advantage of it.
-going to the gym 4 X a week
-walking on the treadmill at home
-eat less, keep track of my calories
-exercise approximately 2 hours a day (it's a big goal, but even low intensity walking)
-use my rebounding trampoline while watching tv.

That's the plan!

Bleeding Love

I'm sitting here by the computer singing Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis. It's about 2:11pm. DH is out with the kids taking them to the lake to fish. I wish I could be there, but my back is still very sore, and right now I have a heat pad on.

Truthfully, I've had two handfuls of chocolate chips. I know it's not exactly brain food. But enough of that, I am going to stir-fry some zucchini and onions for a snack. Dinner tonight is shepherd's pie and I am going to aim for a small portion and focus on not eating after dinner and drinking tea if necessary. I have to keep reminding myself that I have to take baby-steps and move slowly. I need this back to heal so that I can moving. I can't wait to be more mobile so that I can put this obesity behind me.

I looked up my BMI - it's 43.4 which according to the Canadian Heart and Stroke Foundation is considered Obese Class III - which is the highest class and basically indicates that I am at the highest risk of developing health problems. Which is scary. Wow.

So what's a girl to do...post on 3fc and keep track of what she is eating and get some exercise.
Today I am going to focus again on my abs, drinking water, trying not to overeat and nothing past dinner.

Pain

I'm in a lot of pain. I woke up this morning and rolled out of bed and was so stiff and sore in my back I literally had to roll out of the bed. It aches to stand, sit, walk, move. This just sucks. My DH got out of bed early with the kids and took them to McD for breakfast (I had no idea)--I just thought he was letting me sleep in because my back was so sore. Unfortunately, he went out and got me a TH ice cap and a bagel with eggs/bacon. I don't know what to say. The real me says eat it, the new me wants to throw it away. Who will prevail? I was determined that I would start eating properly first thing in the morning and this totally threw me off.

The real me ate it. The new me is saying, make the next meal count. So here I am gobbling up the food, sore back, typing at the computer. I am going to try ice/heat, rest and pray this goes away soon. In the meantime, I am thinking of what to make for lunch and dinner that is healthy so that I can get on track.

On a positive note, last night while watching So you think you can dance and Last comic standing, I did lots of ab flexing, and mini-sit-ups (lifting my head) while on the lazyboy. I know, I know, not super athletic or hard work, but imperative to do something as opposed to doing nothing. I'm hoping it does something to alleviate the back pain. The sooner the pain is gone, the sooner I can get on that treadmill and start doing some major weights and ab work. I can't wait. I know that sound funny, but I am ready to let go of the old me.

It's Hard Being Fat

I have done this before. I have lost and regained 20-30 lbs. I am ashamed to admit that I am severely obese. I am 5'6 and 271 lbs. (again!). I was about 250 just a few short months ago and well on my way to being lighter. Everything was easier -getting up the stairs, walking around the neighborhood, chasing after my kids. Now, it's harder again. I'm more tired. I need more sleep. I eat more. I hurt more. Several excuses come to mind as to why I failed again - a family vacation where I felt I had no control over the food offered to me, a bad back ache -again..., complacency and an abandonment of what I knew was working weight wise. Why did I let it go?

I am determined to change my path in life, determined to do right by my family and children who are invariably suffering because I choose to live in pain. I want to be capable and strong. I want to feel alive again in a way that only losing weight will help me with. I want to dance and jump and feel powerful in my skin.

My next post will be a photo of me. Please be gentle with me. I have a plan, and I know it works if I stick with it. I am determined to be strong and to lose approximately 40 lbs. by my birthday which is December 19. I want to lose 90lbs by the time of my boys 5th birthday.

My back is hurting again. It's another wake-up call to start now, and regain my strength. I am focusing right now on abdominal work, upper body strength and eating 100% on plan until my back is better and I can walk on the treadmill.